To My Whole World

I love you But you’re no good for me anymore I want you in my life But you don’t wanna be there 4 years. I’m 17, that’s about a quarter of my life... a quarter of tears, a quarter of screams, a quarter of wretching, breaking, aching, and loving. I don’t know how... and I can’t explain it. You loved me, you made me feel loved... you were my entirety... my whole world... and when you left, a part of you did too... and I think you took me with it because I felt lost... I didn’t know you... I lost you. Sometimes I thought you came back... I felt in your arms again, close to you, safe... in my home. but it wasn’t for long, before you left again. You left and you left me burning, aching, disintegrating. And well. When I was finally doing ok again knowing I would wait for you, you came back... over and over and over again. And you would break me. Over and over and over again. Every time you left until eventually I was grieving your prior self. You used to make me feel big and now I feel small. I used to want to wait for u, to run into your arms, to feel safe and at home. Now I feel like I’m clawing away from you like I’m high on an endless loop and like I’m running away from the only think I know but it’s killing me at the same time. I know you’re not right for me. I know you’re going to just keep hurting me. I know it too well because it’s been 2 years since you’ve been you that I knew for more than two weeks. You aren’t growing. And I don’t want to either. But I have to. Because if I don’t I promise you I will go crazy. Crazier than I already am. I am dead inside knowing I have to leave you. But not as dead as your new found false love. I continue to think we let go and you will come back, but this time you came back and thought I wouldn’t know you had moved on. I blame myself. Or at least I used to. Over and over I would. I would scream, I would cry, I would claw myself asking what the fuck was wrong with me? But it’s not my fault you couldn’t value love. You couldn’t value all that I was. You thought I would always come back on your clock. But I’m done. You moved on and I refuse to be your backup plan. YOU were my ride or die, YOU were my plan, YOU were my thought process, YOU were my love, YOU were the entirety of a quarter of my life, YOU broke me... time and time again and I was trapped. I’m not saying I don’t love you because as much as I don’t fucking want to to I love you and I love you so hard, so deep and I don’t even know how. How could you go from making me feel safe to making me feel like I want to die?! TELL ME HOW BECAUSE MY INSIDES ARE SCREAMING!!!! THEYRE SCREAMING AND I SOUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON!!! I want to go lie in the rain or run up a mountain because this is so impossible! Why why why could you not just have loved me?! Why why why could you not just have loved me like I loved you? All I ever did was love you!! Through all the breakups, the weeks of not hearing from you, the cheating (that’s right I know) and the new girlfriend (“that didnt work out”) I FUCKING LOVED YOU!! And you fucking broke me. I’m spinning... I’m spinning and this must be hell if it’s a planet we aren’t together. I want to be mad. I want to be so mad. But you always come back. I know you always come back. So this time... this once.... once out of four years... I had to leave you... before you broke me again, before you snapped me to pieces, because trust me. I physically would not have made it one more time. I need to fucking grow. I need to grow without you and I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame myself because it’s you. It’s you. It’s you I love and it’s also you who denies how strong our love is. So while I’m here wretching, I will eventually grow... and you will be sorry you didn’t realize what you had... because believe it or not my all was better than anyone’s. I’m hurting with eyes swollen, but you will be too someday when the ego high is gone. I want to say I’ll be here, I want to say I’ll be waiting... but I really don’t know... so let’s hope you didn’t fuck it up bad enough that I’m gone when you finally realize. I deserve the best. I thought that was you... but you changed and now it’s time for me to too. I will say it one more time because through everything somehow it’s true... I love you bug... and I miss you, wherever you are love. Someday I hope you come back to your egoistic self... because he needs you and I miss you and he loved me and us. For now... goodbye and I pray to the god above that you wake up one day... and you realize what the fuck you’ve done.


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