*it is important to note this article is for others to know they are not alone- not what you should do when depressed. This was a very dark time but there was a rainbow at the end of the storm.

Purpose- A reason, a given, motivation, a point. We all live life because we have a purpose. We realize that there is a point, we have motivation and a reason to live. We look forward to things and create opportunity for ourselves-. We see a future.

Imagine living life feeling as though you have no purpose… That means no reason, no motivation, simply no point… the best way to describe this feeling is as if dead. This feeling is depression.

It first hit me when I was thirteen. I remember it was like a wave coming over me, feeling as though I couldn’t breathe, like crying was the only thing giving me oxygen but drowning me at the same time. I had always been a happy person, in fact almost everyone saw me that way. As a kid growing up, I was sociable and always had a smile on my face, so when I first started crying at the strangest things such as simply looking at myself in the mirror, you can imagine my confusion within my own self. I felt empty, lonely and shallow. I finally came to the conclusion that I felt utterly worthless. I spent weeks lying on my bathroom floor, crying my own puddle because it was the only place I thought I could, as I didn’t even understand myself so how could anyone else? Summer hit and I was soon surrounded by family and friends, my regular cries became occasional and I became determined to distract myself with whatever would make me feel bliss again…. This however, was a windy but effective road.

Soon, summer was over and I remained on cloud nine. I returned to school, met one of the most important people in my life to this day and was thriving. It’s funny how you can build everything up only to watch it all come crumbling down in seconds. With the shocking departure of a key component in my life, it’s as if there was a whole return arrival of every tragic thing that has ever happened to me. I watched in flashbacks as every positive memory disappeared and were then as irrelevant as I felt. Once again, as a fourteen year old girl, I was drowning. I would look at myself in the mirror and would cry. I would hear a memory that would normally be seen as happy and would cry. I would look at old pictures and would again, cry. I didn’t recognize myself. I felt worthless, pointless and hated. I didn’t know how to handle it. I was scared and in pain that to this day can not explain. I was suffering, I was drowning, I was depressed. The next year was dark and shady and I spent it in attempt to feel any agony other then the one I felt every day therefore leading to my own infliction of self harm for months. Nothing. No pain.

After reconnecting with the person that is still one of the most important to me today, It was him that noticed, looking at one of my bandaids realizing I hadn’t actually fallen on a bunch of sharp rocks and said to me “I’m gonna be here for you and I’m not going to leave your side but you can’t do this to yourself because it hurts me and all the people that love you too.” It was at that moment that I realized, the feeling of loneliness. It wasn’t real. I had people surrounding me who love me. That one person encouraged me to stop, talked to me daily, and constantly reminded me I was loved. Eventually I decided that I shouldn’t be afraid of talking to people, concealing my emotions and very real feelings only made them worse and pulled me deeper into a chasm of loneliness and mourning for my prior self. Feeling depressed is ok, being depressed is ok, having feelings is ok, but what's not ok is believing you’re alone in it and that it has to be that way. It doesn’t. Get help. Find that person you trust because even if you don’t know what it is that's causing your pain, it needs to be helped.

For the longest time I lived my life thinking I was unloved, unimportant and that I had nowhere to turn because absolutely nothing would help when really my help began with me, taking action for myself. At sixteen, I am proud to say I am taking every opportunity life hands me and am filled with positive energy. At times, it may be two steps forward one step back simply based on society and how it can affect me, but I know the best thing I can do for myself is talk. Talk with others, talk to myself, talk about the issue. Depression is real. Depression is what feels like a near death experience, you feel paralized and pointless but you are not alone. You are never alone, and most importantly you have a purpose.


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