Live on

When I was younger, I always wondered how I would deal with death. I thought I would feel numb to it, as every day I already felt so numb.

When people around me left, I wouldn't miss them. I didn't even miss my older brother going to University until 3 years later. Everything to me felt like denial and depression, and loss would just be a part of it.

Today, as I cry in my room, I realize how wrong I truly was.

The problem with death is that even when you see it coming, it hits all of a sudden.

My heart feels heavy and everything I do reminds me of them. My hand shakes as I eat my cereal because they used to add sugar to theirs. I remember the last conversation we had. I remember how they forgot me.

Do I wish they remembered me? I don't know. I still hope that there was a small part of their mind, separate from dementia, that proved I was as valuable to them as they were to me.

I don't feel numb. I feel too much, actually. It feels wrong to go back to school and pretend to be happy. It feels wrong to get on with my life. The colors in my room are too bright.

There's an ache in my heart that won't ever go away.

Last night, I fell asleep with no will to live. As my father told me that family surrounded the one we lost as they passed away, I hated myself for ever thinking that way.

I'm still not sure who or what I'm living for, but I'd never want to risk my family members feeling like I do right now. It's okay that I'm suffering right now because it will pass. Eventually, it will.

I wish they were still here.

Beautiful painted lavender skies

have turned to a sudden grey

before this, i didn’t think there

was a chance you wouldn’t stay

i try to believe that time will heal

so i simply stare at the clock

as time fades away

as people try to comfort me

i fall through their grasp

like sand running through

their fingers

without your light

without your presence

i am suffering an endless


your kind heart and special soul

is what gave my life purpose after all

you brushed off stardust from your shoulders

as you accepted the broken frames

within your life’s gallery


i only hear echoes of your smile

and see visions of your laughter

because even after dusk

the memories we’ve made

will never fade

and your spirit will

burn brighter than the sun

to guide me

to help me

to love me

even after you’re gone

your love and your memory

will always live on

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