When I was younger, I always wondered how I would deal with death. I thought I would feel numb to it, as every day I already felt so numb.
When people around me left, I wouldn't miss them. I didn't even miss my older brother going to University until 3 years later. Everything to me felt like denial and depression, and loss would just be a part of it.
Today, as I cry in my room, I realize how wrong I truly was.
The problem with death is that even when you see it coming, it hits all of a sudden.
My heart feels heavy and everything I do reminds me of them. My hand shakes as I eat my cereal because they used to add sugar to theirs. I remember the last conversation we had. I remember how they forgot me.
Do I wish they remembered me? I don't know. I still hope that there was a small part of their mind, separate from dementia, that proved I was as valuable to them as they were to me.
I don't feel numb. I feel too much, actually. It feels wrong to go back to school and pretend to be happy. It feels wrong to get on with my life. The colors in my room are too bright.
There's an ache in my heart that won't ever go away.
Last night, I fell asleep with no will to live. As my father told me that family surrounded the one we lost as they passed away, I hated myself for ever thinking that way.
I'm still not sure who or what I'm living for, but I'd never want to risk my family members feeling like I do right now. It's okay that I'm suffering right now because it will pass. Eventually, it will.
I wish they were still here.
Beautiful painted lavender skies
have turned to a sudden grey
before this, i didn’t think there
was a chance you wouldn’t stay
i try to believe that time will heal
so i simply stare at the clock
as time fades away
as people try to comfort me
i fall through their grasp
like sand running through
without your light
without your presence
i am suffering an endless
your kind heart and special soul
is what gave my life purpose after all
you brushed off stardust from your shoulders
as you accepted the broken frames
within your life’s gallery
i only hear echoes of your smile
and see visions of your laughter
because even after dusk
the memories we’ve made
will never fade
and your spirit will
burn brighter than the sun
to guide me
to help me
to love me
even after you’re gone
your love and your memory
will always live on