As far as I can remember, I’ve portrayed a tough personality and look to display for everyone and most have bought it, however, I didn’t. Over and over again, I’ve been hurt by the same people. By the ones I let in and let my guard down with. This story is coming from a place of true pain and misery. For some reason, I never felt like I was enough. I always needed someone else’s acceptance before I could accept myself. I always put everybody else’s needs and happiness above my own, never stopping to ask myself or contemplate what I wanted or needed. For a long time, I saw many of my feelings towards others somewhat unrequited but I didn’t mind. I chased and chased and chased after those who wouldn’t even look at me and without a surprise, always ending up alone and hurt. I was really close friends with this one person who meant the entire world to me. I would go out of my way to make sure they were happy and never asked for anything in return, ever. Constantly, they put others before me, not reciprocating the effort I put into the friendship, and I didn’t mind because I was so so blinded and felt like I NEEDED that toxic friendship. Over time, the friendship was becoming weaker and weaker, and so was I. They were indulging more with other people, never stopping to ask me how I felt. It hurt me, broke me, shattered me even, but still, I never dared to admit it. Until one day when I was too overwhelmed by the weight of the pain on my chest that I felt like I was drowning in my own pain and sorrow and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I was numb. One day, I realized that I didn’t have any respect for the person I am nor did my friend. I questioned why I wanted these friendships when all they were doing was hurting me. I didn’t know how to love myself without somebody else loving me first. I didn’t know my own worth and it was all coming back to me in the end. Slowly, I cut out all of those terrible and toxic relationships from my life and turned to those who really cared. They helped me learn who I am and love the person I am without changing into someone others want me to be. To this day, I’m still trying to figure out who that is, who I am, but with a little help from those I love, I hope I’ll be able to get there soon.
I hope those who see this can learn from this post and avoid these mistakes, however, if you find yourself faced with a challenge such as this one, remember this: your happiness is just as important as that of those you love.
I believe there are no perfect human beings. Close bonds that are created with other people always have their ups and downs, one way or another. You might be hurt over what a friend has said to you, but obviously, you forgive them because you still care for them. You either don't bring it up because to you, it's a trivial matter, or confront them and it's all fine again.
There's a flaw to this line of thinking though, and that's where the self comes in. It's hard for you to forgive yourself when making mistakes, or say that people care enough to stick around when you act a certain way. Obviously, there are times where the bad outweighs the good in a friend and you have to let them go because that's the best option. They've hurt you too much and won't change. Toxic relationships unfortunately happen.
The first thing to know is that you shouldn't apply that logic to you.
Feeling self-conscious about the way you treat someone or how you should treat them is one of the first steps in understanding that you are not a lost cause. The guilt can be a clear indication that you want to change. You are you forever. The question that always stands is about whether or not you're going to change.
The opinion that should matter most to you is your own. It’s all up to you if you want to change the image of yourself, or if you're going to sit and wallow in your own pity. Taking the steps to change is being a good person. Not attempting to try at all dooms you to be stuck in a cycle of hatred is being a bad person.
If you truly have people in your life that you cherish, then shouldn't it be important to think of yourself as cherishable too? Your emotions are valid, but that doesn't necessarily mean the actions that you take according to them aren't allowed to be criticized. Forgive yourself, just as you would forgive others.