Internal Whirlwind

Updated: Aug 3, 2019

When it comes to mental health, personally it’s been a series of ups and downs I cannot control. There are times where I am in control, not really needing anyone to turn to for I only needed myself. Yet, there are moments where these feelings of stress and excessive sorrow soon become me. As if those emotions are the only part of my identity. A sad girl. There are moments where I feel like I’m in a position where I can’t move, can’t speak, can’t express. I feel stuck. I feel like a burden. Like feeling what I do is not allowed, that it’s in my head, that I’ve been influenced from the outside to feel what they do on the inside.

What really goes on inside is a whirlwind. Somewhat ideas of how to explain what goes on inside lays in my experiences of feeling stuck in my expression of what I feel. I can remember speaking to someone, anyone, and letting my feelings take over the conversations, casting a shadow on everything, nearly ruining each and every connection I had just because I couldn’t do one thing. Talk. I couldn’t talk about how I felt, it was a feeling of shame that never really goes away, it only weakens.

A vague example I can give with what I have of this familiar feeling of “stuck” is any time I speak with the people I love deeply. The way my feelings of love and sadness blend together never results in something sweet. It’s a long history of ups and downs in the relationship, nearly ruining what I had with a person because, as I mentioned before, I could never find the confidence to do one thing. Talk. Speak. Be honest without the fear of shame, to be shunned, distanced.

But I sooner or later realized, that the people who love you, as deeply as you love them, have the will to go through your trials and tribulations as their own. To take you for who they are. That your figments of fear should dissipate into your imagination, the vulnerability you feel should be beauty that flourishes in the light.

At the end of the mess that goes on inside your head, that you are convinced will stay forever, there is a rainbow. That will fulfill and get beyond your sorrow.

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